she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You've changed since you got that strap on
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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