Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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