Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
