i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
