Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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