There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
