I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
