I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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