two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize