You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
