she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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