if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
