Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
