We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize