you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize