I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
