Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
