it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
