You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
