Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
