meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
