i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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