If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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