i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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