Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
