Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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