apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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