You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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