Please, let me fuck your mom
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
where are my eyebrows?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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