update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
