My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
