you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
