I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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