I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
