sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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