I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
