Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
