i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize