He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
