remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
