Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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