thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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