Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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