Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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