I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize