Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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