U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
