remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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