You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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