Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
wanna go halves on a baby?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
