i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
