Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
