I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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