What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
