just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
