the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
