1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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