Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
