Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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