I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize