So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
