i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
