So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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