Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
