i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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