Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
